Where I am today

Today, a year from when I have previously brought this page up, I seem to be called to type things out again. Good!

Every time I journal I seem to get ahead of myself. That is to say, I write more slowly than I think, and i still find it very hard to organize what I am thinking anyway. Texting a friend is more productive often because I can speak/text and it seems to allow my thoughts to actually get out.

Enter, typing. Again. So though I have no true long term vision for this blog today, I know now that when I think long term and make that goal, I can then break it down. And if all I want to do is find a good purpose for this blog, all I can do is start. Write. Think. Organize. Get out of my head and onto the blog "paper." Otherwise, it's all stuck and we are stalled. So, if in the next month I want to have 5 posts, then I need to do 1 or 2 a week. So why not start there!

A lot has changed since we moved to atlanta. We have all grown, voluntarily and because we have to, and we've all had growing pains. I'm telling you, we are all really learning more about ourselves, who we are as a family and what our values are. Josh and I are more collaborative than we ever have been, and I'm trying to be brave and do what is right some days, and skip the easy. Life is not easy. So I need to focus on the positive aspects of what it ultimately means to do hard things. Because empowerment and more ease comes as a result of what is hard in this moment. It's the adult version of learning long division or verb conjugation in another language. It's tricky at first. You go slowly. And somehow, it becomes more instinctual. That makes it easier to grow into other parts to learn on the subject, and confidence rises.

I think the ticket is to keep going. And I often don't want to, but only for a few minutes. I honor that feeling, then pick myself up and keep going. Because I keep showing up for my family, and I'm learning to show up for myself too.

1200 tabs open

There's a quote that says a woman's mind it like having thousands of browser windows open in your mind...all the time.

This is me this morning.

I was home with my daughter yesterday due to a cold and after having had a horrible night's sleep. The culprit? Ear infection.

It threw me off. What was it i was going to do today? How much laundry? When do I put things in the crock pot? What what what?

It spilled over into the night. After she went to sleep, I had a big talk with my 7 year old son about making bad choices versus being a bad person. He thought he was bad because he'd taken his sister's new unicorn doll. It was a bad choice, nothing more. I talked with him at length about it and I could also see how stressed and terrified he was about to get read the riot act by both his parents. Man, I was upset because I had looked for this toy for an hour. He'd had it all along. But he is very easy to find compassion for. How BRAVE he was to tell me about it? That he'd done it. That he was to blame. HOW BRAVE. And he came to me. And I forgave him and got the opportunity to tell him that NOTHING he could ever do..ever..would make me not love him.

It was a stressful night.

Then I couldn't go to sleep.

I was up late trying to tune out the day. Then this morning came and though nothing outwardly went wrong, my heart, body, and mind were all completely jumbled. I took my sweet pup on a walk, and it did no good for me whatsoever. That's when I realized I needed to write it out to get it out and take a xanax. Because for anxiety patients like me, we do need the chemical help. I need it so I can practice other things more clearly and with greater purpose.

I have tried 9000 ways of organizing all i have to do every day. Lunches, water bottles, washing uniforms, blogging, email, volunteering at school, when things are due at school, where we are in the laundry, taking the dog out, which night is husband late again?, Trump has done WHAT in the past 5 days? when i think of him my blood pressure immediately goes up and I can actually feel the stress immediately in my heart. A jackass is taking my power, and I can't take it and i am angry about it.

Today I cannot quiet my mind yet. But I write this in hopes that someone understands that this happens to me a lot as it probably happens to you, yet I keep persevering to find peace and organizing.

It's not really working today, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

Too Much Mind

There are many reasons why I feel like my mind is a browser with 2000 tabs open at any time. I have anxiety, I'm a woman, personality, just my nature, who knows. But it's a big issue for me. It is completely overwhelming.

Enter mindfulness.

Since 1995, so a good 22 years, I have chased meditation and self-help. Among my earliest books were SARK and I did a great deal of guided imagery. My anxiety just skyrocketed in college and I surrounded myself with anything I thought would help. More meditation CDs and tons of soothing music. Hot baths. Hot tea. It helped, but somewhere around 2003 I realized I needed medicinal help. It changed my life. But you can't just do that if you want to change your brain chemistry. You use the medicine to then help you feel normal, so that you may consciously change beliefs, make efforts that you cannot do when you are depressed, and work toward a better way of living.

I've never stopped looking at the self-help books, but I love to call them self-realization, self-help, self-loving, self-everything good. :) 

Knowing we were going to move from my hometown of 37 years (minus college and a couple years after) to a new city was daunting, exciting, scary, wonderful, right. We had a lot of time to prepare, which was great for outside factors: house on market, packing, not leaving work right away. But inside, I needed to prepare. And I'm so grateful to have had 9 months to do so. It's good to be on a school schedule. :)

Through it all I knew it was right, which was my security blanket. Never a doubt that this was what we were supposed to do together. And though it's been a bumpy six months (depression resurgence, anxious thoughts, lack of a canine companion until december), it's been full of many magic moments, too.

Here's the thing: I loved myself enough to want to dive deep. So with Christmas money, I signed up for the Living Brave Semester at Brene Brown's online community, CourageWorks. I worked through some things, and prepared mentally for others. It was life changing. 

And through it all, I knew I needed to remember mindfulness (which was my word for 2016, Mindful) and that I should just simply start with NOTICING what I do. Notice what my food tastes like, instead of pushing it down my throat for time's sake. Notice what wine tastes like, instead of just expecting it to calm me. Notice as I move quickly from errand to errand. Just notice. I still have issues with these things but definitely am noticing. And it only seemed appropriate this year to move towards Intention, my new word for 2017, so I can not only keep noticing but have meaning behind it. You can have an intention for a year or for the next 5 minutes. So far, I suck at it. I forget my intention constantly. But that's better than last year, now I am at least noticing that it needs my attention. 

It's been more helpful so far in reminding me that I need to BE HERE NOW. It's all we got. Now. As a planner, it's kinda hard, so I plan and make sure that I know what we're doing when in terms of kids' school events and what not. But when I plan and know my time will not be wasted, I relax and can be here now. Because I have already carved out time for things that are meaningful. And I can be here now when I do it all.

At least, that's the dream. :)

Not a writer until you write

I do not proclaim on any level that I am a writer. But I'm certainly not as long as I do not write.

This blog is a place for me to record my journeys, my hopes for my inner wisdom to appear and to reflect, and how I hope to reach young children one day through mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and resilience.

Today I learned of a former student's death. For a few hours we did not know how or why. But then came the note- suicide.

He was a little over a month away from his 16th birthday.

White male, always went to amazing schools, but something brewed darkly under the surface.

You never know.

You never know what one kind word or one or many dark words can do to a person.

We all are human. Especially as parents and teachers (so, my personal experience), we find the end of our wire very quickly some days.

I don't mean to, I never do, but I do yell when I have reached my limit. That has nothing to do with my children. It never does. It is my issue. So I quickly look at them in the eyes and ask for their forgiveness. We are all human and divine.

I am working on sharing my knowledge of being mindful, holding intentions, and being present with my children.

And through that, and by the looks of my amazon account past purchases, there lay my passion right in front of my eyes: living your best life.

it is because of my own experience with anxiety and depression that I have searched for any path to self healing and self discovery I can. In high school I bought every SARK book there was. Then i found guided imagery meditation and slow meditaion/massage music. Then I became a massage therapist. Then i started yoga....and as the years have gone by I have collected quite the library of non-fiction books on happiness, mindfulness, memoirs to learn from others, love lessons and languages, soul connection books, relationships, the list does not end.

Here we go. Today, I will count as a win for me. Today, I took a tragedy and decided i WILL do something.  As we are about to be ushered into a Trump America, I cannot sit and watch and mourn the loss of kindness in our nation.

It's there. and it's most easily found in children.

So, Here I go.